


we've all got a lot to lose

by BecomeMyObsession



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Chloe is confused, F/M, Father Kinley is evil, Set before 4x01, and hurt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-29
Updated: 2020-07-29
Packaged: 2021-03-05 20:00:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,779
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25590964
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BecomeMyObsession/pseuds/BecomeMyObsession
Summary: Running was the only option to keep herself, and her daughter, safe. What other option was there?---An in-depth characterisation of our Chloe when she first discovers Luci's true nature; very chloe/lucifer centred of course.(I'm back baby.)
Relationships: Chloe Decker & Lucifer Morningstar, Chloe Decker & Trixie Espinoza, Chloe Decker/Lucifer Morningstar
Comments: 12
Kudos: 40





	we've all got a lot to lose

**Author's Note:**

> So... it's been a while. 3 years? 4? Hi again! I'm back! So, firstly I apologise for being so absent- I moved to California (now back in the UK) and discovered Latin Dance and have spent the past 4 years becoming a professional dancer - which I now am... however Covid-19 has obviously put a halt to all dance for the time being so despite still training, i found myself with all this free time- so I decided to rewatch Lucifer, and realised how much I love it all over again. 
> 
> I'm a little rusty, so I do apologise about that - I write non-fiction as part of my job now, but I haven't forayed into the world of fiction since writing here. I hope I do Chloe justice, I promise you this isn't me appearing and vanishing again - i'm here for a while, with plenty of plot bunnies (is that term still used?) and lots and lots of smutty ideas (because I'm desperately single right now, feel for me). 
> 
> This is set prior to 4x01 as I wanted to get into Chloe's head at where she was when she returned and well, you all know the havoc that followed. Nothing is ever as black and white as it seems. Hope you enjoy!

Chloe had no idea what she was doing, and that was unlike her, Hell she had no idea who she was anymore. She used to ground herself in her beliefs of right and wrong; what was real and what wasn’t real. God wasn’t real, Heaven wasn’t real, so therefore the Devil wasn’t real… Hell wasn’t real. But, she swallowed past the lump in her throat, _Lucifer_ … she wasn’t going to bury herself in denial, she couldn’t anyway, she was physically unable to deny what she saw. Lucifer and… and… and _his face_. It was right there, in front of her, and she’d always prided herself on proof, on evidence, before she jumped to any conclusions – but this, this was too much too handle.

It wasn’t just Lucifer, she justified to herself while sipping her now cold coffee staring at her blank notepad left abandoned on the café table in front of her, it was _everything_. God was real too? Heaven? Hell? If Lucifer was the Devil, like actually really completely the Devil, Satan… did that mean he was evil? She frowned at that thought, no he wasn’t evil, he was Lucifer… he was her- well what was he? To her? What was she to him?

Her heart clenched, this whole thing was tearing her apart from the inside, her whole life had been pulled out from underneath her and she was so confused. She missed him, oh did she miss him, and his wicked smile and the way his lips felt when they pressed against hers, so gentle and sweet and- _no_ , she cut her train of thought off. How could she think like that, he was the _Devil_ , like the actual Devil.

Her head hurt. Her heart hurt. She clenched her teeth together as the pain threatened to rise up her throat and force a sob from her lips. She couldn’t do that – Trixie was only across the square playing in the water fountain, and her daughter didn’t need to see her like this. In fact, it was her duty as her mother to protect her from- _all_ of this. That was why she left, she told herself, she wasn’t running, she was figuring it all out – her very belief system had been ripped out from under her and she could literally feel her world spinning, nothing made _sense_ anymore and she had no idea what to do.

Still, he’d told her the truth, the whole time. He’d said as much, time and time again, that he’d never lie to her – and he hadn’t. Sure, he had omitted certain truths and avoided really showing her anything, but really – deep down, she knew something wasn’t right, of course she did, and she wasn’t stupid. His mojo, the weird magic thing he did with locks… his strength, now it made sense how he could lift all those people up with one hand. The flashes she’d gotten of his… eyes… in the past, all the things she had spent years ignoring and squashing into the recesses of her mind because it didn’t fit her belief system came rushing to the surface.

_It was all true._

What was she going to do about it? Did she need to do anything about it…? Oh my God, Maze, her daughter was then best friends with a _Demon_? So, yes, she had to do something… she couldn’t have her daughter looking up to a Demon, following her around like a role model. Chloe had turned a blind eye to the Maze and Trixie escapades, well most of them, and… oh God, Maze was teaching Trixie how to fight, how to use knives… how to- 

Chloe folded her arms on the table and dropped her head into them, feeling the tears well up despite how much she tried to force them away- did this mean she was a bad mother? She’d left Trixie with Maze so many times, trusted her, and now she felt- betrayed. Did she though? Questioning herself was the norm these days. No one had ever lied to her. Yet, that was worse, that meant it was _all her fault._

_Was she going to Hell?_

She spent the past few years solving crimes with the Devil. She’d let him in on her cases, her life, her daughter’s life. She’d let him influence her into doing things she normally wouldn’t. Was any of it real? Their moments, the times she’d looked into his eyes and she swore she’d seen a softness he never showed anyone else; was that him manipulating her? Did he even care? Or was it all a ploy to make her fall in lo- she cut that thought off right there. No. This was Lucifer she was talking about. The man who’d risked his life to save her life, her daughter’s life. The man who’d given up his freedom, his parties, women, sex life… to play monopoly with her and Trix. He had put himself in harms way to protect her so many times, was that real or was that fake? Could he be injured- yes, she’d shot him, she’d seen him injured and nearly dying so many times- if it wasn’t for him, would she even still be here right now? She pushed that disturbing notion away; she didn’t want to mull over that for even a second.

Death all of a sudden seemed very real her to her now.

God

Heaven

Hell

The Devil- Lucifer…

…Christianity claims association with the Devil is a one-way ticket to… well, down there. She didn’t want to die, and she didn’t think she was a bad person. She had dedicated her life to helping others, to catching killers and solving crimes, putting away criminals for the injustices they’d caused. Surely, that was enough to save her? Did she even need to be saved? Perhaps, perhaps she was just overthinking everything and she should go back and confront him, how else were her questions going to be answered? Wouldn’t it make sense to go straight to the source? But- how did she know he would tell her truth. God, he always told her the truth. She shifted her position, clenching her hands into her hair to feel the slight pain as she tugged, just to ground her. _Lucifer didn’t lie._ Why was she questioning that now too?

She was so confused, and she hurt, so much, and she felt so alone.

Alone and questioning everything she’d ever known.

That made it worse. She had no one to talk too. She couldn’t confide in her daughter, she had to keep her safe. She couldn’t talk to Dan- he already hated Lucifer and he’d probably blame him for her sudden insanity… like so many others- wait all those babbling criminals diagnosed with insanity, he’d done that- on purpose? Why would he do that-? Right, he was the Devil.

She felt like a fool for not realizing sooner, yet she’d had the blindfold removed from her eyes now and everything was so clear, all those questions she’d had were answered… but in their place were _so many more._ Was he evil? She didn’t think he was evil. He didn’t seem evil, not with her anyway. He was a little rough around the edges sure, and he made some stupid mistakes that had put them both in danger time and time again, but he seemed to regret those, _really_ regret them… why? Because some of those decisions had put her in danger, had hurt her, and- did he even feel guilt? Why was she different? She was just a cop, Chloe Decker, no-one, nothing, a tiny insufficient blip in the grand perspective of things – why, what had she done, why was he different with her?

There was something in the back of her mind niggling. A memory? A feeling? She didn’t know, she couldn’t even grasp onto it to analyse it… and it, well, made everything worse. What was she missing?

Lucifer wasn’t evil. Yes, he’d made mistakes and he was pretty messed up, but she knew him better than anyone – she was somehow certain of that despite her new truths – and he wasn’t evil. But, then, why was the whole of history and everything ever written about him bad? Why did it all portray him as evil incarnate? He wasn’t that, not to her- sure she’d seen him angry, furious even, she’d seen him throw people further than possible. She had seen the rage build up in him and watched him give in and let it take over and cause destruction around him. It hadn’t scared her before, put her on edge, yes, but she was never frightened of him? _Why_?

She was questioning her own beliefs, including her own foundations of who she was. He was the Devil- why wasn’t she ever frightened of him? Was it because she didn’t know? No- that couldn’t be it, he had told her, and she’d seen all the evidence for herself. If it was another man, a normal human man, and another woman, she was sure this other woman would have been frightened. Out of control angry men were dangerous- that was an innate instinct in women instilled from birth. Yet… she was never frightened of Lucifer- even when he was throwing people against walls. _Why was that?_ What made them different?

She had seen a different side to him. One, she supposed, others hadn’t seen- or perhaps he’d just changed? She had no idea if he had spent eons hiding himself from others, or if he’d really become someone, something else, during his time with her. She felt lost, she didn’t really know anything did she? Here she was searching for something to change her mind, make up her mind, about him- yet deep down there were truths that she knew for certain.

She knew she hadn’t misunderstood the sadness in his eyes when he spoke of his past, the longing and misplaced blame that laced his voice when he talked of his father. The guilt and pain that riddled his speech in his stolen moments with her. The softening to the lines in his face, the way his eyes glistened when he looked at her- how soft and tender and calm he became in their moments when no one was disturbing them. The times he let his guards drop, all those barriers collapsing and letting her in to see him. Not the Devil part of him, not the man he pretended to be on the surface, the real him, the… soul? His soul underneath everything. He was just like every other man, hurting and wanting love- and somehow that had resonated with something in her. Touching and connecting with some part of her that had remained buried for so long she’d forgotten it was even there. _Who were they?_ Who were they to each other?

_What made her so special?_

All this heavy thinking was exhausting her. She hadn’t slept in days. Moving around Europe in the search of-what? Answers? She’d told Trixie this was a vacation of a lifetime and it had certainly eaten into almost all her savings- but at least Trixie was enjoying herself. She picked up her head, watching her daughter splash water onto some Italian kid a little taller than her. She wanted that for her daughter- life, to live, to find love, to grow up and old- without fear or danger. Was she purposely putting Trixie in danger? No, she’d never do that, that was why she was here- to find answers, to find a resolution- to calm her racing heart and hectic mind. To find peace in herself, and to feel safe and confident in her actions, to re-ground herself, to find something to _believe_ in again.

Chloe fished her phone out of her pocket, checking it, no new messages- was she in the right place? She laughed at herself, wasn’t that a loaded question. She had no idea how to answer it, she didn’t know- was she? Automatically she hovered over her last calls, three down, _Lucifer_ … why hadn’t he called her? She sighed, she knew why he hadn’t called her, he wasn’t that sort of man, he was probably waiting for her to call him. Was he though? Or had he forgotten about her already? Was he back to partying, drinking, sleeping with random women- her heart clenched, tightly, and she fisted her hand in her top closing her eyes, why did that thought bother her so much?

The lump in her throat was back. Hard and solid, and she tried to swallow past it to no avail. Why did she feel like this? How could she feel like this? _Why was this whole thing so damn confusing?_ She wanted to scream, shout, attack-something, what the air? She didn’t know what to do. She was angry, so angry, and frightened, and alone- and so confused. How come everything could fall apart so quickly? How could her life be upended so quickly? What was happening to her?!

Without really thinking it through she pressed his name. Her breath halted in her throat as the call display flashed on her phone, ringing… ringing… ringing… hands shaking she raised her phone to her ear and breathed out unsteadily, the sound strange to her ears. It was still ringing, what if he didn’t pick up, did she even want him to pick up? What if it went to voicemail, should she leave a message? What would she even say? What if- wait, she had a different sim card, a European one, it wouldn’t even show him it was her, so surely he wouldn’t answ-

“Hello, you’ve reached Lucifer. Can I help you?”

Her breath stopped. He’d answered. Her spare hand covered her mouth and she stared wide-eyed into the distance.

“Hello?”

What did she say? He sounded tired. No, not tired, drained. Was that her fault? Had she caused that?

“Is anyone there?”

His voice still sounded warm though. That familiar lilt always present. It was comforting and softened her heart for a second, tendrils of affection curling through her body as she closed her eyes; soaking in the sound of his voice. It had been over a month since she’d head him. God, she’d missed him.

“If this is a telemarketer, I’m really not in the mood- I can’t promise I’ll be very forthcoming and-” Her gasp must have cut him off, and she swore she heard the audible sound of his jaw snapping shut. “Chloe?” She scrunched her eyes closed against the sound of her name in his voice. “Is that you, Chloe, are you oka-.”

She hung up. 

Panicked. Heart racing so fast she could hear it in her ears.

What would she even say? Could she even speak to him? Was she okay? She didn’t know. Would she ever be okay again?

“Detective Decker. Chloe Decker?”

She turned at the sound of her name, looking over her shoulder at the tall man walking towards her, sun glare blocking a clear view. Had she introduced herself to anyone here? Not that she could remember. Who was this- man? How did he find her? She narrowed her eyes, half squinting against the sun and half in suspicion. “Yes? Do I know you?” She was wondering if she’d left her bag somewhere, or her purse, or perhaps she’d forgotten to pay the café as her mind was a little everywhere right now.

“No, however, I have been looking for you.” He stopped in front of her table, blocked the sun light so she could see him clearly. He was wearing all black, tall, with a grey beard, but there was one feature on him her eyes landed on, glued to as he spoke, she couldn’t remove them- he, he was wearing a clerical collar.

He cleared his throat politely, and she dragged her eyes up to his smiling face. “I’m here to talk about Lucifer.” He held out his hand in welcome, and she took it automatically. He knew Lucifer? Was he a friend? An enemy? Who was this man? He didn’t seem to be the sort of person Lucifer would hang with, or even grace his presence with- still he knew Lucifer, and he knew she knew Lucifer? She always felt uneasy around Priests, she didn’t know why- something settled deep into her bones, her lack of religion in the past maybe, she wasn’t sure- but she knew she wasn’t entirely comfortable looking into this mans eyes. They seemed kind, and open, but she could see something behind them- something, something- not right.

Still his smile widened as he shook her hand. “Nice to finally meet you. I’m Father Kinley.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thoughts? 
> 
> Do remember the odd British-ism (even when i'm not writing Luci) may appear here and there, as always I try to filter them out but some lil pesky ones sneak in sometimes - ignore them xD. Nice to see/hear from you all again, I missed you!


End file.
